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Oct. 23rd, 2009 11:39 pm![[personal profile]](http://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
hector_rashbaumMy mom just called me down to have A Talk about how I'm not doing well, which...I'm not but I'd kind of hoped it wasn't all that obvious. I basically just cited my inability to afford zoloft right now, and the fact that I only just looked at what I've been doing and realized something wasn't right, and just nodded and mmhmm'ed at the appropriate places because I hate that conversation.
It's probably necessary; I realize that even if it isn't, she's probably always going to assume it is based on her speaking up being the thing that got me back home and into counseling. But tonight she kept mixing it with "you need to be better with money" talk and I don't know how much of that conversation was "you're not okay and I'm worried" and how much was "it's time to get your shit together and stop being a fucking mooch".
Both of which are valid motivations. I'd just like to know.
I knew, when I posted a few days ago about how my behavior tends to change before I even know I'm getting bad, I was in for it, approaching a wicked bad depressive episode. It would be nice if knowing did any good, if I could make this thick chokey can't-fucking-breathe on-the-brink-of-tears-all-the-time feeling not come if I know about it fast enough. I should be able to; theoretically I picked up all the tools in counseling. But I can only do it when I'm not bad; I can keep myself going day-to-day but I can't pick myself up when I fall over, not right away.
I don't want to do this for the rest of my life.
It's probably necessary; I realize that even if it isn't, she's probably always going to assume it is based on her speaking up being the thing that got me back home and into counseling. But tonight she kept mixing it with "you need to be better with money" talk and I don't know how much of that conversation was "you're not okay and I'm worried" and how much was "it's time to get your shit together and stop being a fucking mooch".
Both of which are valid motivations. I'd just like to know.
I knew, when I posted a few days ago about how my behavior tends to change before I even know I'm getting bad, I was in for it, approaching a wicked bad depressive episode. It would be nice if knowing did any good, if I could make this thick chokey can't-fucking-breathe on-the-brink-of-tears-all-the-time feeling not come if I know about it fast enough. I should be able to; theoretically I picked up all the tools in counseling. But I can only do it when I'm not bad; I can keep myself going day-to-day but I can't pick myself up when I fall over, not right away.
I don't want to do this for the rest of my life.
