Heaven in Hard Times

so I got put in a really awkward position today

people at work don't know I'm a lesbian. like, not just not know, but actively assume I'm straight, and...for whatever reason, I've done nothing to address that assumption. mostly because they're all kind of rednecky, with all the shit that goes along with that.

so randomly today some girl decided she wants to set me up with her brother. and I had this total anxiety panic breakdown moment and my brain went to this place where my only possible answers were LOL I'M A LESBIAN or OKAY SURE AWESOME.

so now some guy is getting my number and is going to call me at some point for a date. and she showed me his picture and he is REDNECKY. and, I mean, you are aware there are men that kind of DISABLE the lesbian thing but none of them are REDNECKY. they are GIRLY. so.

also she asked me when we were sitting alone but then she mentioned it to some people so there are MULTIPLE PEOPLE at work who are going to want, like, GOSSIP about my heterosexual experience

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO DO, HELP.

Also, not a single one of the things I worked on in counseling are getting me to stop kicking my ass over not being all I AM A DYKE right from the get-go. NORMALLY I AM REALLY GOOD ABOUT THAT. But it's not like I could've foreseen this! Who looks at someone who lip-syncs and dances to the High School Musical soundtracks on her iPod while working and thinks OMG PERFECT SISTER-IN-LAW MATERIAL.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/30089125/

I can't stop OMGing. CAN'T STOP. omg.

This trainwreck, specifically the part starting here, left me wanting to organize my thoughts on reclamation a bit more.

I think of myself as a dyke. Generally, outside my own head, when I use "dyke" I'm talking about things I do which fit into stereotypes about non-porno lesbians - shaving my head was dykey, sports bra + ribbed tank + scuzzy jeans is a dykey outfit, etc. - but I identify as "dyke" more than "lesbian". Or, not necessarily more, but in a different way - when I'm just talking about my sexuality in a more straightforward, matter-of-fact way, I use "lesbian", but when I'm talking about it as a source of pride, as a challenged way of being that I don't feel any shame for and don't believe I should, I'm a big ol' dyke.

It's not an accident the derogatory term is the one I use when I'm talking about pride, about shame, about lesbianism as politically and morally charged. It's me very actively saying "not only will I not hate myself for the thing you hate me for, I will be proud of it".

Reclamation is taking a slur and turning it into a positive identifier, taking the power out of the hands of the bigots who spew hate speech and claiming it for one's own. It's taking someone's weapon and knocking it out of his hand. If someone wants to make me feel hated, scummy, worthless, it's telling him he has to find another goddamn way because calling me a dyke just doesn't do that anymore.

It does the opposite.

*

What happens all too often with reclamation is a backlash from Well-Meaning [insert privileged group] People, who are so sensitive and open-minded that the use of a slur offends them regardless of context. So, of course, because it makes the Well-Meaning Privileged uncomfortable, it just shouldn't be used at all. The intentions of the Well-Meaning Privileged are good, I don't use "Well-Meaning" sarcastically, but you know what they say about good intentions.

When you, Well-Meaning Straight Person, tell me I cannot call myself a dyke, you're disarming me, taking one of the few defense tactics I have and asking me to set it aside, leave myself open, in deference to your misplaced discomfort. Because I am far more likely to defer to Well-Meaning Discomfort than the bigot is, and when I set my weapon down he will be right there to pick it back up. And when he uses it, you will be uncomfortable.

Your discomfort is that of someone standing too close to a gun when it goes off, it's temporary deafness and ringing ears. You're not the one with the bullet wound.

sidewinder tagged me so I get to talk about sexy people fuck yes.

( Hittable 15 )

So I'd say I'm making this short and simple so it's easy to understand but I've seen people misunderstand it even in these simplest of terms so really I'm keeping it short because I don't have the energy.

Gay people are treated differently from straight people at this point in time, in this culture. To ignore that is to invalidate the experience of many, probably most, gays and lesbians. 99.99% of the time, "it's the same thing" when referring to an action, word, thought, whatever applied to a gay person in one instance and a straight person in another is an incorrect statement. And 100% of the time, accusing the gay person, or socially aware ally, who pointed that out to you of applying double standards makes you look like a douche.

And I can say this as someone who has used the "um, it's the same thing, and by saying otherwise you're the homophobe" argument". It's really not that hard to admit you're wrong.

So I wanna talk about identity. Because I've gotten a few times lately, from a few different people, the implication - if not direct statement - that I am somehow wrong, or naive, or stupid/foolish/what-have-you for considering my lesbianism a defining characteristic.

And part of the reason I don't talk about it is it requires saying "straight people generally don't have this problem" and I find people react so weirdly to that - which I think comes from what I posted about yesterday, this idea of finite problems. Because if there are, I dunno, only two problems in the world and gay people say "this is only a gay problem" and POC say "this is only a POC problem", the implication is that straight people, white people, have no problems. But problems are most definitely not finite, and no one is saying "this is a strictly gay issue, straight people don't have issues". So the defensiveness is really out of place.

But here it is. See...there are a lot of facets to my identity. I'm a lesbian, I'm a cat person, I'm a student, I'm a glasses-wearer, I'm an oldest child with middle-child syndrome, I have anxiety problems, I'm fat, etc.

Some of those are less important. I could be a dog person without being a different person, I could have good eyesight and not be different, I could be a middle child and be the same old me.

But there are things on that list that are fundamental to who I am. I would have had vastly different life experiences if I weren't fat, and thus the person I am today would not be the same. And my experiences from here on out will be different than if everything else were the same but 100 pounds lighter, the way I parse things is different, I am different. And in the same way, my life - and the person I am - would be extremely different were I straight.

I pull out those two examples for a reason: they are things that society (either as a whole, or just massive parts) tell me I should be ashamed of. So merely by not being ashamed - by accepting that this is what I look like, and I will focus on my health and not worry about the looks, by saying there is nothing wrong with me being attracted to and loving women exclusively - I am fighting. And this is the problem straight people don't have - that daily struggle, the near-constant need to prove you're normal, you're worth being treated like a human.

(And really, people, do I need to say this? YES I understand discrimination against gays isn't the only kind that exists, what kind of idiot do you think I am? Focusing on one specific discrimination in one specific context isn't the same as saying "I'm the only person who's ever been discriminated against ever")

And that's where it starts to look like I'm privileging one facet of my identity over any others - because that one facet is under attack. Because, yes, all things being equal being gay would be no different than being straight, but what world do you live in where all things are equal? So I have to fight (well...I don't have to, but to put it baldly I consider people who lie back and take their oppression with open arms fools), and so I have to call attention, and then rather than getting it from one side with "you're not okay" I get from the other side "you're not identifying right".

So here it is, in simplest terms. When something I consider fundamental to my identity is under attack, I will fight back. Fighting back requires calling attention; calling attention gives the impression of valuing one facet over another. This doesn't mean I consider being a lesbian the be-all end-all of Me - but nor does it mean I don't consider it more important than other things.

Or, Hell, have it in even simpler terms: Shut the fuck up and stop telling me how to parse my own identity, you privileged assholes.

So this is pretty badass: a list of youtube links to lesbian love songs.

"To make the list: the singer must be a woman; the love lyrics must be obvious; and the love object must be unmistakably a woman. Not friendship love, but undisguised sensuality, an open expression of same-sex attraction."