Heaven in Hard Times

I lost my glasses! This is excessively bad, because I am fucking blind. I had to send my brother to go get my prescription sunglasses from my car 'cause I didn't think I'd be able to find them. So now I am that douchebag who wears sunglasses inside, when it's not even that bright out, and it looks so dark in here :( They couldn't have gone very far, they were sitting on a towel on the center of my bed (I forgot they were there and picked up the towel), but they are NOWHERE. Awesome!

I am increasingly disillusioned with fandom lately, and it sucks. Nobody else likes the things I like, and I don't like the things everyone else likes; Bon Jovi was essentially a fandom of one (I got people interested in it, so maybe that's an unfair characterization, but.) and I didn't feel this isolated. This is at least somewhat an irrational feeling - no one would've bid on me in help_haiti if no one liked what I liked, nor would any of my prompts in the Being Attractive And Doing Stuff meme gotten filled, so. IDK. I am feeling increasingly like I don't actually have a place in the fandom, justified or not.

Every time I talk myself out of going to see The Young Veins in Mass., they do something that makes me talk myself back into it? Except it's for real not plausible now, so plz stop doing things like getting adorable haircuts and putting JWalk on lead vocals, because I am 90% sure if I try to take my car all the way to Massachusetts it will explode.

My fingernails are the prettiest shade of purple in the whole world. I want to paint my ENTIRE BODY with this nail polish, wtf.

Lost is gonna fuck my shit up this season, oh my God. I've been bracing and bracing and bracing for it, because Lost always fucks my shit up and I knew this was gonna be the worst season, but I was totally not prepared for every little thing in the premiere to knock me on my ass. I'm gonna end up having to watch this season through twice - once to be a weepy emotional mess, once to catch everything I missed being a weepy emotional mess.

I stopped drinking coffee a couple days ago while I was waiting for my heartburn medicine to come, so I've been completely lacking energy. Medicine's here today...but I'm restarting my Zoloft, so even with coffee I'll be energy-less probably until Saturday morning. I hate being this tired, it's probably my number three least-favorite feeling.

My dog hates me today :( there's something wrong with one of her eyes, it's all gross and big and bloodshot, so I had to bring her to the vet. While there she got her chronically-infected ears cleaned (her least favorite thing), two shots (no, wait, that's her least favorite thing), and her nails trimmed (her new least favorite thing). And! Our vet isn't sure enough what's wrong with her eye to feel comfortable treating it, so she gets to go the eye doctor tomorrow. IDK if I can handle two days of her pouting at me :(

In his continued race to be my favorite favorite forever, Siska ships Carden/Butcher and Beckett/Chiz.

So far, jb_ficexchange has been really bad for my ego. Baww. I really need to finish my sodamnskippy exchange fic, but every time I sit down to write I get stuck at CLEARLY YOU ARE THE WORST WRITER EVER STOP DOING THIS. YAY BRAIN.

Everyone should go read the story I got for Yuletide Madness, It Hurts Me Too. It's Maybelle Stubbs/Corny Collins, which is one of the OTPs of my SOUL, and from the title I thought it would be all WHAT'S REALLY IMPORTANT HERE IS THE HANDSOME WHITE GUY'S PAIN but it's not. It's AWESOME. Also I feel I should remind you I got the best story ever for Yuletide proper and you should be reading it every minute of your life.

I've had a headache of varying intensity for about five days straight now. It's awesome, except for the part where it's the opposite of that.

We did second Christmas at my aunt's today; my cousin's kid is six and obsessed with Hannah Montana. So we played Hannah Montana Uno and Hannah Montana Barbies and quoted the show at each other and she showed me all her badass Hannah crap. It was basically awesome.

I finished and sent one jb_ficexchange fic but I haven't even started the second one I don't know what to write oh God why did I offer to pinch write somebody kill me now

IDK why I'm so exhausted; I've been getting a full eight hours, give or take ten minutes at most, every night except Friday & Saturday, and since I nap most of the day Saturday & Sunday that shouldn't make a huge difference. And I'm not seeing any signs the sleep I'm getting is restless - if my sheets were all fucked up in the morning, or something, I'd get it. But there's no sign of bad sleep, and I'm still having trouble getting out of bed when my alarm goes off, still dragging ass by the end of the day. Today I took a half-hour nap even though I have a rule against napping on weekdays, and I'm already wanting to crawl into bed. Blah.

It doesn't help I've been having killer migraines like crazy lately; two Saturdays in a row I've woken up with a bad one that refuses to die, and I keep getting them at work. We have two warehouses, the one we usually work in and one across the street that's mostly there to get shit out of the way we work in every now and then. The crap warehouse has fluorescent lighting, and we've been checking cans/boxes for rust, which means having to scrutinize in crappy, dim lighting. AWESOME for my headaches, totally.

We have a four-day weekend coming up. Maybe I just need a break.

ETA: While I was in the shower, one of the cats decided to work on the sequel to I Don't Blame You For Being You:

Kevin blinks; the night before flashes into his head, more than he could remember before, and the second he sees it his face has to show it, 'cause Mike looks away.

"RRRRD1`N IU DSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXSSSS)_PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPVPI'm sorry, Kevin."

When I figure out which cat it was, I think I'll let her write my yuletide fic.

The weird thing about my depression/anxiety is a lot of times it gets bad in the background; I don't feel myself backsliding until all of a sudden there I am. I realized today, after I had to hype myself up to take a shower, after I wandered around Hot Topic for 20 minutes building up the courage to ask if they had such-and-such a shirt in my size, after a quick audit of the past few days showed I hadn't left my room more than necessary and I'd spent most of that time sleeping, that I'm getting bad again.

I don't know if I was actually better when I was working, or if it was a false positive, if needing to get out in the world every day just let me say to myself "hey, not spending my whole life in my room, doing good". Either way, I can't be trusted to take care of myself without a routine that demands I do; I've known this for a while.

Not that I want to feel horrid all the time, but I wish it took my conscious mind kicking into depression-mode before my subconscious set my body going about the depression-mode routine. Cart before the horse, subconscious, not cool.

In less depressing news, I got Disney Pop Hits Singstar and I'm pretty sure my life is complete. Except. At some point my dog chewed through my only controller, so I had to use the HSM3 Dance! dance pad - laid it out on my bed and smacked the X and O and START areas. Which was okay, except I couldn't go back if I hit the wrong song - no triangle - and I couldn't edit my name, no square. WHATEV, I got to sing, and THAT'S THE IMPORTANT PART.

Last night instead of going to bed at my normal bedtime I wrote some JONASverse Nick/Kevin, for the disneyficfest prompt "Nick is COURTING KEVIN. Old-fashioned stylee, like a proper (angry) little gentleman. And Kevin is like HAW HAW HAW WOW MY LITTLE BROTHER IS BEING SO NICE TO ME, THIS IS NICE". It would be nice if more people wrote Nick/Kevin Lucas COME ON, IT'S SO *OBVIOUS*. Possibly not in comparison to real-world Nick/Joe, but nothing's obvious compared to that.

In other writing news, my "Zac and Kevin have a baby (sort of) and get married omg" epic appears to be completely stalled, and I can't get past the first scene of Kevin Lucas/Troy Bolton, but that's okay because the other night I was struck with the desperate urge to write a space AU, in which Kevin owns a bed and breakfast ~in space~ and Zac is a dashing hero ~in space~ and Mike Carden is a pirate ~in space~ and there are "uh oh which one do I love more" shenanigans ~in space~. It's awesome.

I started to get a migraine in the last half hour or so of work today, and it went from zero to JESUS FUCK SHIT OUCH faster than any migraine I think I've ever had. If I weren't so wired from the caffeine in the dose of Excedrin I actually managed to keep down, I'd be sleeping right now, keeping on a normal schedule be damned.

I should've known better than to talk about liking my job, because when the universe knows I'm happy, the universe makes corrections (that's a GREAT ATTITUDE, no?)

Today the containers we needed didn't show up until 8; we worked until our break at 9 and then the manager came out and told us we were being sent over to the main plant (we work at a warehouse that's only open when they need it and mostly staffed by temps) for today, tomorrow, and all of next week. The two women who've worked at the main plant before groaned. THAT WAS A GOOD SIGN. Also a good sign: the manager said they'd told him we might need to stay until four today. The sort of people who randomly change your hours mid-workday are generally the sort of people who REALLY CARE about their employees!

Anyway we needed to be at the plant by 10, so we got there and got all sanitized and suited up (they are CRAZY about cleanliness, which makes sense because they make food, but OMG IT SUCKS. We have to wear long-sleeved long-pantsed JUMPSUITS, and GLOVES, and HAIRNETS. There is no AIR CONDITIONING. It is EXCESSIVELY HOT. [Especially since the ONLY PLACE THEY COULD POSSIBLY SET US UP was right next to the OVENS. Ovens which are ON. AND HOT.])...and then WAITED. For AN HOUR. Had they let us stay at the warehouse until they actually needed us, we could have gotten some work done, which would have been VASTLY PREFERABLE to sitting in the cafeteria in JUMPSUITS AND HAIRNETS, slowly roasting.

The plant is all fluorescent lighting, which is going to be a BIG ISSUE because that's the one trigger that gives me migraines that WILL NOT DIE - I've never had a fluorescent light migraine that I could get rid of without letting it take its course. We can turn the lights off in our little area, which is fine because we have big windows, but that didn't help much. I'm gonna have to see how it works out tomorrow, since today I already had a headache going in, but just from hour between coming back from lunch and turning the lights off I was almost unable to function.

ALSO 90% of my work wardrobe is skirts because they're so much cooler - I CANNOT WEAR SKIRTS with the stupid jumpsuits. If the lighting issue doesn't render me incapable of working next week I'm gonna be wearing the same, like, two pairs of capris alllll week. AWSUM.

When I bitched about all this to my dad, he was sympathetic. When I bitched to Mom, she just said "well, you should've looked for another job. You know you don't like factory work." DID YOU MISS THE PART WHERE I'VE LOVED WORK FOR THE LAST TWO WEEKS ugh pay attention.

I start a new job today and I don't waaaant toooo. Words cannot express my level of not wanting to. I am pretty sure no one has ever wanted anything less than I want to get in my car to go to a warehouse right now.

And I'm generally pretty okay on Mondays. But yesterday around 5 I got nailed with this MASSIVE exhaustion, and I couldn't take a nap or I'd be up all night, and going to bed early didn't do a thing. I cannot even believe how tired I am right now.

At least today's just training and is supposed to be shortish, Adecco lady said six or seven hours. I told my dad I'd take sister to work later, but I don't think he needs me to, so maybe if I make pitiful look-how-tired-I-am puppy eyes that won't be a thing.

the idea of going to work today depresses me SO MUCH ugh

weather widget says 80° days for the rest of the week. almost 90 on friday. FUCK YEAH the only thing awesomer than my job is doing my job while DYING OF HEAT.

if you like nonsense, which is probably a requirement for reading my journal, you should follow me on Twitter. I entertain myself on breaks by tweeting nonsense. I'M SURE IT IS DELIGHTFUL and not at all annoying