(no subject)

( So. We talked... )

I'm having a giant "life's not fair" attack right now. I like her and she likes me and for once in my goddamned life I want something to work and this COULD but it can't. And that doesn't make any sense. But...goddammit. Not fucking fair.

(no subject)

Our kitchen is a pain in the ass to navigate when there's more than one person in there. Not that it's small, it just always works out that when I need the sink, someone's washing dishes. When I need to get to the fridge someone's digging around in the freezer. When I need the coffee maker, someone's using the dishwasher right below it.

So the benefit to being nocturnal is when everyone else is asleep, I can make whatever I want without getting aggravated. "Whatever I want" usually being corn English muffins and tea.

Tonight as soon as I put the first muffin in the toaster, before the water for tea was even boiling, my dad got up and came to the kitchen.

And kept trying to make conversation.

Daddy, I love you. Please don't intrude on my me time. I get so little of it.

*sigh*

I'll finish this tea and take some Advil and go to bed. Tomorrow maybe I'll be less whiny.

This isn't anyone's fault, by the way. In case you think it is. I'm just...life isn't fair and I'm being reminded of that. And there's nothing anyone can do beyond what they have done. I just feel like it's my turn for something good without strings and hurdles and crap. But...eh. I'll feel better tomorrow.

(no subject)

*happy dance*

I slept through the night.

Only six hours, but I woke up feeling awake enough to get out of bed, so yay.

I'll chalk it up to having a pleasant conversation before bed (*nudges mayqueen517*).

The sister's gone for a couple days so I have the room to myself, which means I don't have to schedule my sleep around when she isn't in there with her music on.

Maybe I can get caught up.

(no subject)

Sometimes, she thought to herself, lying in bed when sleep wasn't happening, life isn't fair. Sometimes you meet someone who is wonderful, who makes you smile and laugh and who you connect with, who you have better conversations with than you've had in years, who seems to understand you and you're sure you understand her. And you are totally head-over-heels goo-goo for her, and it turns out it's mutual.

But it doesn't matter, because you've never seen each other in real life. And there's 20 hours between you so that's not going to change any time soon. And it doesn't matter how either/both of you feel because it can't actually make a difference. Nothing more can happen than what has happened and what is happening. It can't go anywhere from where you are.

And then something sank in, around the same time sleep started to look like a possibility.

You still get to talk to her every day, sometimes several times a day, often for a very very long time. And you still leave those conversations feeling happier than when you started, no matter how happy or sad you already were and even factoring in how disappointed you are that the conversation has to end and you can't just talk forever. You still leave with a big smile because, when it comes down to it, you're just glad this person is in your life in any form at all.

You get to know that she feels the same way about you, which is more than you've probably ever gotten in your life. There is no pretense, no bullshit, no games, no "well what exactly is going on?". Your relationship, whatever exactly it is, is open and honest, and even if there is no word to classify "I'm friends with you, but also infatuated and I wish I could be more than your friend, but this is just the internet, so I'm happy just being your friend", at least you both understand what it is and how you work. How often do people get that kind of clarity? Not very. Nowhere near enough. Take it where you can get it, sweetheart.

So, she decided, settling in among her pillows that that serve as lovely substitutes for people, while the situation isn't ideal, you can certainly be okay with it. More than okay, really. Happy, because you have the clarity you've always wanted, and someone to really connect with, and that's really enough for now. Because while having someone there to kiss and cuddle and hug and such is certainly nice, sometimes all you really need is to type *hugs*. The sentiment is the same. So...she has decided she can take what she can get. And be happy about it. And no more stress, because in the end that's gonna fuck up what's already there.

And with all that out of the way, she could fall asleep.