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Identity and Lesbianism
Oct. 1st, 2008 10:10 amSo I wanna talk about identity. Because I've gotten a few times lately, from a few different people, the implication - if not direct statement - that I am somehow wrong, or naive, or stupid/foolish/what-have-you for considering my lesbianism a defining characteristic.
And part of the reason I don't talk about it is it requires saying "straight people generally don't have this problem" and I find people react so weirdly to that - which I think comes from what I posted about yesterday, this idea of finite problems. Because if there are, I dunno, only two problems in the world and gay people say "this is only a gay problem" and POC say "this is only a POC problem", the implication is that straight people, white people, have no problems. But problems are most definitely not finite, and no one is saying "this is a strictly gay issue, straight people don't have issues". So the defensiveness is really out of place.
But here it is. See...there are a lot of facets to my identity. I'm a lesbian, I'm a cat person, I'm a student, I'm a glasses-wearer, I'm an oldest child with middle-child syndrome, I have anxiety problems, I'm fat, etc.
Some of those are less important. I could be a dog person without being a different person, I could have good eyesight and not be different, I could be a middle child and be the same old me.
But there are things on that list that are fundamental to who I am. I would have had vastly different life experiences if I weren't fat, and thus the person I am today would not be the same. And my experiences from here on out will be different than if everything else were the same but 100 pounds lighter, the way I parse things is different, I am different. And in the same way, my life - and the person I am - would be extremely different were I straight.
I pull out those two examples for a reason: they are things that society (either as a whole, or just massive parts) tell me I should be ashamed of. So merely by not being ashamed - by accepting that this is what I look like, and I will focus on my health and not worry about the looks, by saying there is nothing wrong with me being attracted to and loving women exclusively - I am fighting. And this is the problem straight people don't have - that daily struggle, the near-constant need to prove you're normal, you're worth being treated like a human.
(And really, people, do I need to say this? YES I understand discrimination against gays isn't the only kind that exists, what kind of idiot do you think I am? Focusing on one specific discrimination in one specific context isn't the same as saying "I'm the only person who's ever been discriminated against ever")
And that's where it starts to look like I'm privileging one facet of my identity over any others - because that one facet is under attack. Because, yes, all things being equal being gay would be no different than being straight, but what world do you live in where all things are equal? So I have to fight (well...I don't have to, but to put it baldly I consider people who lie back and take their oppression with open arms fools), and so I have to call attention, and then rather than getting it from one side with "you're not okay" I get from the other side "you're not identifying right".
So here it is, in simplest terms. When something I consider fundamental to my identity is under attack, I will fight back. Fighting back requires calling attention; calling attention gives the impression of valuing one facet over another. This doesn't mean I consider being a lesbian the be-all end-all of Me - but nor does it mean I don't consider it more important than other things.
Or, Hell, have it in even simpler terms: Shut the fuck up and stop telling me how to parse my own identity, you privileged assholes.
And part of the reason I don't talk about it is it requires saying "straight people generally don't have this problem" and I find people react so weirdly to that - which I think comes from what I posted about yesterday, this idea of finite problems. Because if there are, I dunno, only two problems in the world and gay people say "this is only a gay problem" and POC say "this is only a POC problem", the implication is that straight people, white people, have no problems. But problems are most definitely not finite, and no one is saying "this is a strictly gay issue, straight people don't have issues". So the defensiveness is really out of place.
But here it is. See...there are a lot of facets to my identity. I'm a lesbian, I'm a cat person, I'm a student, I'm a glasses-wearer, I'm an oldest child with middle-child syndrome, I have anxiety problems, I'm fat, etc.
Some of those are less important. I could be a dog person without being a different person, I could have good eyesight and not be different, I could be a middle child and be the same old me.
But there are things on that list that are fundamental to who I am. I would have had vastly different life experiences if I weren't fat, and thus the person I am today would not be the same. And my experiences from here on out will be different than if everything else were the same but 100 pounds lighter, the way I parse things is different, I am different. And in the same way, my life - and the person I am - would be extremely different were I straight.
I pull out those two examples for a reason: they are things that society (either as a whole, or just massive parts) tell me I should be ashamed of. So merely by not being ashamed - by accepting that this is what I look like, and I will focus on my health and not worry about the looks, by saying there is nothing wrong with me being attracted to and loving women exclusively - I am fighting. And this is the problem straight people don't have - that daily struggle, the near-constant need to prove you're normal, you're worth being treated like a human.
(And really, people, do I need to say this? YES I understand discrimination against gays isn't the only kind that exists, what kind of idiot do you think I am? Focusing on one specific discrimination in one specific context isn't the same as saying "I'm the only person who's ever been discriminated against ever")
And that's where it starts to look like I'm privileging one facet of my identity over any others - because that one facet is under attack. Because, yes, all things being equal being gay would be no different than being straight, but what world do you live in where all things are equal? So I have to fight (well...I don't have to, but to put it baldly I consider people who lie back and take their oppression with open arms fools), and so I have to call attention, and then rather than getting it from one side with "you're not okay" I get from the other side "you're not identifying right".
So here it is, in simplest terms. When something I consider fundamental to my identity is under attack, I will fight back. Fighting back requires calling attention; calling attention gives the impression of valuing one facet over another. This doesn't mean I consider being a lesbian the be-all end-all of Me - but nor does it mean I don't consider it more important than other things.
Or, Hell, have it in even simpler terms: Shut the fuck up and stop telling me how to parse my own identity, you privileged assholes.
